Find the Boy Mom Misses So Deeply

You pinned my past to my present,

Chipped away at my heart.

Marked your territory,

Showing all that you own me,

Even though you're gone.

I need to break free of your reign,

Releasing the anxiety,

You have bestowed upon me.

Learning to trust in those,

Silently waiting for me.

The confusion is still so real,

The fear still existing.

Not sure why they can't see,

Who I long to be,

When I keep hiding the real me.

Wanna go back to who I used to be.

Carefree, excitable and free.

Without compromising who I was made to be.

Back around to that childhood, me.

Keep me from being jaded,

Smooth out the edges life brings,

Find the boy mom misses so deeply.

On Sunday, I woke up to hate.

I celebrated love this weekend.  I was honored to take part in the wedding of one of my most dearest friends.  The smiles, laughter and, most of all, love demonstrated this past Saturday was something I will never forget.

On Sunday, I woke up to hate.

I vividly remember that first post on my newsfeed informing me of the tragedy that occurred as I was immersed in the celebration of love between two people the night before.  I didn't fully understand the impact of what happened until a little later, but slowly, as the day progressed, my heart grew heavy and I had difficulty gathering my emotions.

It was on that same drive between Dayton and Indianapolis that I was trying to comprehend the attacks in Paris and now, Orlando.  My heart heavy, mind in a daze and my spirit drained; I am still not quite sure what to say.

We are throwing away a gift that has been given so freely.  We are throwing away the beauty, awe, wonder and life that has been bestowed upon us.  How can we be so foolish?  How can we treat each other so frivolously?  When did ideology and a system of beliefs gain more weight than compassion and simple understanding?

My heart continues to be held down by the reactions so full of anger and hate in response to this violent act.  Are we not discarding the gift we have been given by responding in kind?  I can barely stand to read the comments on social media as I see a glimpse of the very emotions that lead to such unspeakable tragedies.  I have seen this anger from those who are pushing their politics, from those who are grieving and from those who are part of the very community of people that were just targeted.

Yes, I am hurt.  Yes, I am grieving.  Yes, I have felt targeted because of my sexuality.  Even so, I am not and will not be the only one.  This past weekend, and in the past, our LGBT family has been discriminated against.  So have others.  And tomorrow?  Tomorrow, as it has been in the past, it will be another group of unsuspecting and undeserving human beings that are sacrificed for hate.

Can we not join hands as human beings?  Must we be selfish in this time of need?  Can we not rise above those who have hurt us and say, "we will love anyway"?

"We are throwing away the sunset;
the crescent moon.
Ignoring the day's sunrise,
the gift of existence,
in a naturally beautiful world."

The Cost of Our Delusion

We spend so much energy on keeping up with our delusions and expectations.  Financial, emotional and physical resources consumed by the desire to chase an image of something always unattainable.  What is the real cost?  What are we missing out on in order to satisfy an unnecessary thirst for perfection?

There is more perfection in the sunset, the sunrise or a shared drink with a stranger at the bar than in the race to maintain our assigned seat in society.  There is so much to experience in this life and I feel as though the majority of our existence causes those moments to slip right by us.

We are so focused on the end game.  The goal behind the final leg of our journey. We completely ignore everything that makes that end game so sweet; the moments along the way.

Day by day, lose the expectations placed on your life.  Enjoy those little moments, with no preconceived notions.  Be open to each experience and appreciate everything it has to offer even if it doesn't fit inside the box we are trying to escape.

The Hypocrisy Of It All

Mark 10:6-12 NIV

6 "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 7 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."

This is just one selection of Biblical text that provides contradictions to commonly accepted Christian practices today.  Depending on who you talk to, they will tell you that verses six through nine is God's spoken command and verses ten through twelve were culturally relevant to that specific time period.

I was a Youth Leader and led other various aspects of ministry at my home church and other faith-based organizations.  The simple fact of the matter is, I didn't lead, I simply repeated.

I have studied the Bible.  I have studied it more since I have left the church than when I was in the church.  Many who know me will call BS but, while a part of a congregation, I simply listened and took whatever was fed to me as 'The Gospel'.  Since I have left, I have been forced to read the full text on my own and have it not be filtered by the individual delivering that text.  I can come to the Word with a blank canvas, after having my faith rocked by my sexuality.

I have been grieving since I left the church.  That much I have known since the winter of 2009 when I stopped attending.  What I have finally figured out is, why I have been grieving.  I was that bigot.  I was the person who would listen to verses, taken out of context, and just repeat them to others and label them 'The Gospel'.  I would take for granted the intent of leadership and follow blindly as 'abominations' listed within six verses of the 'hot topic' text were being allowed and condoned.

I was that Christian gentleman who actually believed that marriage, defined biblically, was between one man and one woman.  I would proudly proclaim this even after I just read in the Old Testament of these men, after God's own heart, who had multiple wives.  How stupid I must have looked.  Even within the Biblical text, there are contradictions to the definition and execution of marriage...especially as we define and execute marriage today.

I was also that person in the pew (er...chair rather) that would whole-heartedly believe that Paul was dishing out the very Word of God in everything he said, simply because he said he did.  Even though Paul, at times, provided slightly contradictory text than the actual written words of Christ.

I was the blind follower to those who, while having positive intentions, preached their version of 'The Gospel'.  I would judge others as I had been instructed to pass judgement, while harming friendships and family ties.

I grieve because I was that hypocrite.

But I am no longer that hypocrite.  Since leaving the church, I have found myself able to love others more unconditionally than before.  My mind has been opened to Christ's command of loving one another, not judging and living in peace.

I grieve for Kim Davis, I honestly do.  She is making this stand, in what I assume, is good faith that everything she has been taught and fed from the pulpit is God's will for us.  I grieve for her as she bears this pain and suffering, unnecessarily.

Before you comment: When I refer to the 'pulpit' and church leadership, I am referencing more than just one actual pulpit and church leader.  I am referring to Christianity as a whole and it's dogma.  I do not wish to make this a political discussion.  While I realize that this post is in response to one, the intent was not to provide commentary on it.  If you wish to discuss the political aspects of the current event, I will be more than happy to buy you a glass of wine and discuss in person.

A Ripple

I used to make fun of shirts like this, including those that wore them.  "World peace is impossible!", I would say and I would use scripture to back up my runaway mouth.  "Not until Jesus comes back so why even bother!", was once my motto.  Such a shameful way of thinking.

A very dear friend of mine gave this shirt to me.  While he was not the only one that helped reshape my views on this particular topic, he was one of the more influential.  Now I wear it anywhere. I enjoy the looks I get and the comments.  

You see, just because I still believe that absolute peace will not reign on this earth until Christ comes back, that does not mean I should not be working every day towards peace.  I am not out gallivanting across the globe trying to mend nations, but each day I walk through my little part of the world, I can focus on bringing peace to those around me and myself.

I am called to.  I am called to love, be kind and gentle to those around me.  I am called to exercise the very peace I know will come later, in my daily routine.  The fact that absolute peace can not exist right now, does not give me the out to live without peace or to ruin the peace I find in others.

You throw a pebble in a pond.  This creates a ripple.  A small little pebble can change a surface area much larger than itself, with each ripple growing larger and multiplying in effect.  You don't have to worry about changing the world, focus on those around you.  Show them peace, love and grace.  You do this, and it will multiply.

I may not be able to bring about world peace, but I can work to make peace in my world.