I show my affection and love with action. The time I spend with someone, the sacrifices that I make and the dedication I throw at their passions and projects. The late night discussions, objective advice and unwavering commitment no matter their situation or mistake. This is how I show how much I care, adore and love someone.
I've never been one to read up on the meanings of love languages or what this week's definition of 'love' is in Cosmo. I held on to the idea that those don't matter. The simple idea that I could just pour my heart into someone and, while they may not feel entirely the same way, they would be considerate of my emotions; valuing and respecting at least the friendship that has developed.
This isn't just in regards to my romantic life. It extends into my professional and family life as well. I have been told that I am misunderstood and people don't know how to take me. Why can't I be afforded the chance to be understood? Why can't someone give me the same time and dedication that I extended to them to simply, understand?
Which is why I don't talk about my feelings very much. It's difficult for me. My past has been peppered with failed attempts and heart wrenching silences. Each time I lay out my emotions, I am shut out. Left feeling used and taken advantage of. Everything I did, every hour I spent; wasted. Thrown away like a cheap, one-use razor.
This has made putting myself out there almost impossible. Each time I am dismissed, another layer of brick is laid on the wall protecting my heart. The requirement to open the door is heightened.
I try to remain positive. I want nothing more than to remain open and love without regret, but it's just not possible. Each time I am used and disrespected; more work is added for the next one to come along. It's human nature; my defense mechanism to keep myself from running dry.
It's hard. It sucks. I don't see any resolve.
I hold on to the fact that one day the world will be pure again and hearts will no longer be hardened. One will not make decisions based on fear; the fear of hurt or the fear of what we do not understand.