I have been trying very hard to frame this past year as one of ‘pruning’. Not just in how I talk to others about the past eleven months or so, but also in how I internally define this experience. You see, pruning is the art of selectively removing diseased or less than optimal pieces for the sake of a healthier whole. Mostly used in horticulture, I have been using the term to try and find a positive spin on the loss that I have encountered this year.
But pruning still comes with pain and grief. You are still losing a part of yourself. A part that held a portion of your identity, was part of your whole. There will always be a scar over that place. It supposedly diminishes as time marches on, but it remains a reminder of everything that part of you held.
To be completely honest, I knew in the summer of 2022 that there was disruption headed my way. There were multiple situations that had been simmering up to that point. I had ignorantly quieted my gut while being told that my intuition was merely an effect of my past trauma. I pushed aside the fear, while blissfully continuing on this journey, quite unaware that it was keeping pace beside me the entire time.
Then that summer came. It presented the first tangible evidence of what I had been fearing all along. All of that fear that had been waiting for acknowledgment overtook me. I felt like I was stuck, watching a wrecking ball in slow motion as it crushed so many important parts of my life. Nothing I could do to save any piece of it except slowly watch it all crumble away while being consumed in the fear of what part of me it was going to target next.
That fear was debilitating. The cause of anxiety attacks, hiding on the floor in my bathroom, withdrawing from life; but mostly the inability to find any value in tomorrow. It felt like so much of my life was being ripped away from me and I had no control over it. I knew I couldn’t continue on like this as my health and work were suffering. Most importantly, I wasn’t the person I wanted to be anymore. The light that I had found in myself that previous year was quickly being hidden away again.
This fear infiltrated almost every portion of my life. I was putting those closest to me through a litmus test as I tried to sort out the betrayal I had experienced. Yes, betrayed by others, but mostly myself. Overcorrecting after ignoring my intuition, now questioning every interaction and conversation. Paranoia sets in and the distress starts to poison the healthy parts of my life. The very parts that were keeping me alive and supporting the whole of who I was, they were starting to wither, too.
While the loss from this year was not caused by fear, it was definitely magnified by it. I held on to these parts of me much longer than I should have. Consumed by what I thought I was losing, delusion started to take hold. I no longer saw these parts of me for what they truly were, rather what I wanted them to be. Reality became much more fluid and I was losing the energy to keep holding on to the truth. I was on a path to lose even more, but this time, a direct result of that fear.
So I pruned. While most of the pruning has been tangible and seen from the outside, the most important part of me that I am cutting away at is that fear. It is fear that kept me from more gracefully trimming those unhealthy parts out of my life. It is fear that caused me to expend so much energy trying to keep the poisoned parts alive and healthy, putting the rest of me at risk. The fear of losing something that wasn’t really mine to lose in the first place. The fear of simply letting go.
In its place, I am allowing thanksgiving to take hold. Grateful that I, quite literally, made it to this point still breathing. Appreciation for the family, friends and colleagues who have stuck with me even though my light was extinguished and still want to be a part of my rebuilding. Grateful for every part of my life and for the acceptance that it may not be permanent. Thankful for the whole of who I am, scars and all.