A couple months ago, I found myself ending a relationship. Some of you know the details, some of you may not. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make and the fallout has not been kind to me. While I may write more on the topic later, there is one thing I want to share now.
After the relationship ended, I found myself really struggling with whether or not I was truly loved by this person. I couldn’t rationalize someone hurting another person they love in the ways I had been hurt. It didn’t make sense to me, my view of the world or my way of being. It falls contrary to everything I believe to be true and beneficial to relationships; whether romantic or otherwise.
I spent months wrestling with this question of whether I was actually loved by them…at least in the way I wanted to be loved. Trying to separate the person from the affliction; to rationalize their actions between those that were so loving and those that caused so much pain.
That struggle has yet to produce any finite answer to this central question of their love. It is always met with an abyss that I quickly retreat from. I never feel like an understanding comes to my aid or a conclusion to my rescue. I keep being met with a dense cloud of fog obstructing my view.
So I started to question why I want these answers so badly. See, when I am met with a perpetual haze, that typically means that my desire to know is driven by the wrong reason; my longing for conclusion fed by impure fuel.
Then one day it made sense; I really only wanted to know if I should have loved them. My pride was spending countless hours trying to protect others’ perception of my judgment. My pride was causing this turmoil to continue as I sorted out the pieces of the life I had and had hoped for it to be. My pride was the driving force behind finding an answer to whether they truly loved me.
So I had to ask myself, should the question of their love for me determine whether I should have loved them? Should the validity of my feelings really rely on whether I can prove they felt the same about me?
No. Love should be given freely. Without warrant or justification. Regardless of faults, weaknesses or strengths. Love was not meant to be a currency or tool for bartering in the streets. It was meant to be a gift.
And man, did I love them.